Who on this forum can drink 5 litres of petrol ?....

[Bazzak]

Jerry can

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I was on the beach and got hit by a massive wave of cake. It was a tiramisunami.

Why is it a good idea to put more books in prison libraries? Because the prose outweigh the cons.

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.

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.Our local vicar hasn’t been seen today so I have phoned Missing Parsons.

I couldn’t find any Oxo cubes in my local shop today - they must be out of stock.

I ordered a thesaurus from a well known on-line seller, but when it was delivered all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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.My mate’s wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff. He said it’s enough to make a mango crazy.

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I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in hot oil. I asked him: “Are you the friar?” He replied “No, I’m the chip monk.

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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.I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

Elderly woman phoned Stannah and asked them to come and remove her stair lift, she said 'its driving me up the wall'.

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I just saw a bloke cycling down the road with his hands tied behind his back. I don't know who he was but his face rang a bell.

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.Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the skin on his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and as a result became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up cursed with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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. "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."